Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
