You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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