Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
