Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
