If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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