she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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