I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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