Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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