I hope mine doesn't look like that
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
