Your face is a jimmy john
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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