He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
The air taste purple.
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