The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
