I skipped work to stalk him.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
