so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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