Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
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