It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
