i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I think people are normalizing furries
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
