i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
