I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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