two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
