I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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