Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
You know, be my cock's hype man.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
