what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
