I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize