Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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