I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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