i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
