I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize