I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
