he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize