If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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