you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
