I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
