I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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