they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
