I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize