i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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