So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
