Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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