I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
