Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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