Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize