Welp...herpes.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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