I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
