I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
