hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
