he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Randomize
