I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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