Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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