She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
