I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
