i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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