just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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