forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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