Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
