then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
