I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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