woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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