whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize